The breakup letter
After 20 years I felt the urge of a breakup, ending what had become a toxic relationship. Here’s the letter that put an end to it.
I remember the first time I met you. You were confident and charming but at the same time innocent and naive, easygoing and down-to-earth, perhaps a bit immature, but so promising.
Our first years together felt like a breeze. I was liberated. You welcomed me to your world and I immediately fell head over heels for you. I couldn’t wait to spend time with you after school. All the fun we had together, the new experiences, the excitement, it was all so captivating at that time.
With my friends I would just ramble on obsessively about you. We were both so young back then. It was magical: the long chats, the silly games, and most importantly how you opened my mind. You helped me see the world with new eyes and from new perspectives, always guiding, never patronizing me. The connection we shared was unique and special.
Then, something changed.
I can not tell how or when exactly it happened, but you slowly slipped away from me. I started feeling you distant, disconnected. I wasn’t that special for you anymore, just another of your contacts. However, I didn’t give in, I fought for you. I tried to keep up with you, but no matter how hard I tried I was never up-to-date with your latest trends.
You evolved but the relationship took a big turn for the worse. The conversation got lame and suddenly all you could talk about was kittens and puppies. Then the hatred. It was either us or them and things were only black or white. I never got that.
Lately, the relationship has turned toxic. You get jealous and demand constant attention and if I take some time for myself I get warnings from you. You tell me where to go, show me what to wear, eat and buy, and the more I tell you about myself the more I fear that sooner or later you are going to use it against me.
Who tells me that right now you are not sharing our things with people I don’t even know? I don’t feel I can trust you anymore. You claim you do all of this for my own sake, to make my life easier and more comfortable, but I have started feeling anxious about it.
Lastly, I have recently come to realise that I am changing too. And whether I am changing with you or because of you is not the point. I don’t like the person I have become when I am with you.
I can’t do this anymore.
I am sorry Internet, I still love you but without trust and a real connection, this can no longer work.
It hurts but I truly believe this is what’s best for both of us.
Love always,
Lorenzo
Self-recflection
As anticipated in my last post, with this breakup letter I tried to provide an overall picture of my long term relationship with Internet and technology in general. From the casualness and excitement of the first years to the unsettling turmoil embedded in the era of algorithms and datafication, so much has changed over the last 20+ years.
Whereas the potential of the digital world has considerably increased, the shadow of inequality is cast upon us. We can distinguish two clear-cut slants on the matter: techno-optimists and techno-pessimists (here‘s a brief video on the difference between the two). Although I believe technology constitutes a most valuable asset for humanity, I am aware of its contradictions and how crucial it is to become educated internet users in a highly digitalized world.
In my future posts I will explore, with a critical eye, some of the latest trends in AI, data and development. As I unveil some of the web’s dark secrets I hope that this blog will work as fertile ground for some interesting debate over the role technologies play in our lives.
Share your thoughts
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What is your relationship with technologies?
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Do you consider yourself a techno-optimist or a techno-pessimist?
I would probably say that I am certainly not a techno-optimist, but not quite ready to call myself a techno-pessimist either. Many times while watching shows like Black Mirror or even some of the documentaries that have gone viral (like the Social Dilemma last year) I have felt uncomfortable with narratives just feel overly doom and gloom. I do know that I am glad that there was no Instagram when I was a teenager and prone to poor self-esteem, yet at the same time, it helps me stay in touch with my closest friends and family from who I am so far away. Overall I feel that any argument/analysis that isn’t nuanced and doesn’t consider the myriad and complex ways that technology plays a role in our lives doesn’t resonate with me. I do also wonder how these digital technologies would be seen in some parallel reality in which society is not driven by neoliberal capitalist values and structured based on scarcity and violence.?
Thank you for sharing Kasia and for the thought-provoking questions.
I add one more for us to reflect on:
In a utopian society driven by humanitarian values, would the introduction of these technologies eventually mould that society into a neoliberal one?
Really cleverly written and an interesting read. Also very timely considering the FB shutdown the other day, and all the talk now of how it brought many people to similar realizations. I second some of the points Kasia makes – I am so very glad there was no YouTube or Instagram when I was younger (though at the same time I did grow up with AOL) so that I was allowed to have an anonymous childhood and not feel like everything is being recorded at every turn. I also sit somewhere between optimist and pessimist, I wonder your thoughts Lorenzo on ways to exercise a healthier relationship with the internet and social media? 🙂
Great post, Lorenzo! And I agree with you, Kasia, there is always a greyscale. As I wrote in one of my recent posts, you cannot say that all technologies are good or that all of them are bad. However, as many writers and researchers have pointed out, that doesn’t mean that they are neutral or objective: https://wpmu.mau.se/nmict21group7/2021/09/24/everything-is-about-relations-of-power/
For example, I use Facebook, but was getting so much bad content in my flow, so I started blocking people. So now there are almost no stupid updates in my flow, but instead interesting and thought provoking post from newspapers, magazines and organizations, cool history and architecture photos and some funny philosophy memes… Also, I’m using the groups function, where I connect with childhood friends and my friends from those blurry university years in the early 2000s… 🙂
I would also like to see this parallel reality, you are writing about. Since I believe society and technology are not separate from each other, I don’t think the humanitarian society would mould into a neoliberal one with the introduction of our technologies. Basically because the technologies in a society that is not modern, ethnocentric, patriarchal and capitalist would never be this neoliberal in the first place. But I would love to see what such technology would look like…
Finally, and I’m sorry, Lorenzo, I just saw Internet at a local restaurant, having a romantic dinner with 4.66 billion people from all over the world. Hmmm, a bit too soon if you ask me…?
😀 😀 😀 love that last comment @Victor… well it’s true what they say: 50% of married couples cheat. So if it’s not you, it’s your partner! 😀
Regarding the introduction of liberal technologies in a non-capitalistic society, I am not so confident about the preservation of that given society. That’s probably because of what I see in the country I have been living for 5 years, Thailand. Despite being a traditional and conservative country with roots firmly planted in centuries of Buddhist culture, it is visible how much Thailand is undergoing a change. With a pro-democracy movement growing year after year and the general mentality of the new generations switching to a more liberal and capitalist-oriented model, tradition is giving way to modernity. One example is Christmas, a festivity that does not belong to the culture but that has now outgrown many traditional Thai holidays with consumerism prevailing over the Buddhist principles of simplicity and abstinence.
Thanks so much Lauren. As an early Millenial I also benefitted from a tech-free childhood and got my first experiences with the web in my adolescence, slowly and progressively. I feel blessed that I was never rushed into it and still now I consider it a healthy transition into the digital world.
Four years ago I cut loose with Facebook. Together with quitting smoking and biting my nails, it was one of the best decisions I ever made in life. I am not promoting it in any way, though. I think social media and the use we make of them is a very personal matter and we all react differently to what they expose us to. Personally, that platform was toxic to me. I was a passive user and the contents I would regularly come across were polluted with hatred and futility, disturbing my mental health, my emotional state and making me feel miserable. That being said, I do not recommend doing the same. That was my experience with it and I had conversations with people seeing things in a complete different way. I believe there is no one-size-fits-all rule, it really depends on who you are and what your relationship with social media is. And you are the only one who knows that. 🙂
Thanks, Lorenzo. Now I just need your tips about quitting biting my nails. 🙂
Well Lauren, there are 2 ways. One requires a lot of will power and mental strength. The other one is faster: all you need is a hammer and a life supply of liquid food 😄
Great post Lorenzo! And thank you for sharing your story with us! 🙂 I think that my relationship with technology is quite contradictory. I really need it in my daily life, for working and studying, and staying connected with my friends around the world. But sometimes I want to disconnect myself completely. For example, when I am travelling and having a holiday, I try to disconnect myself from social media as much as possible, to focus on other things in life and enjoy my free time. It can feel quite liberating. However, sometimes it works, and other times it does not! 😀